Conversation with a Millennial

I talk with a lot of church leaders about their church’s ministry; as a church consultant that is what I do.  One of the ever-present questions and challenges that I hear is, “How can we get young people into our church?”  Yesterday, I attended a 60^th birthday party of a friend whose mother is on her church’s board and when she learned I am a church consultant she asked this question again.  

More than a few books have been written about how to engage Millennials in the life of the church.  A Google search of “Millennials in the church” produces thousands of hits on the coming demise of the church because of the mass exodus of young adults from congregations of all denominations and theological perspectives.  I realize that to write about the Millennials and the church is to go over what has been gone over.  I am certain that I can offer no new insight, tool, or resource that can stem the tide of their mass exodus.  However, I can relate a conversation I had with a Millennial and offer from that a couple of suggestions.

This conversation was with a Millennial who is a deeply committed disciple of our Lord, but who is frustrated beyond decent language with what he experiences when attending a local church.  As a single young adult, he still attends worship, but is almost to the point of dropping out because he finds worship so frustrating.  I expected to hear complaints about bad music or dull sermons.  He didn’t mention anything we typically hear in church growth conversations.

To sum up his complaint would be difficult, (this was a long conversation), but we might get close if we described his portrayal of the church as “Passionless”.  Here are a few snippets of what he said:

·      “If you don’t want to be here don’t come!”

·      “All they really want to do is run stupid, out-of-date, programs.”

·      “The Muslim’s are trying to conquer the world; all we want to do is keep the building.”

·      “It is about people at the center keeping power, people near the center trying to get power, and people on the outside not caring who has power.”

While the comments of one Millennial are only antidotal evidence, there is something to be learned here and it is not from what he said.

Let’s begin with this proposition: “Don’t ask, listen!”

Millennials are among the most spoiled generation ever.  Almost from infancy they have been asked over and over, “What do you want?” and their parents have then done back flips trying to give them what ever they want.  Now churches are doing the same thing.  In formal focus groups or more informal ways we ask, “What would you like the church to do so you will attend and bring your kids?”   We need to stop asking, “How can we spoil you so you will like us?” We need to listen to their heart cry.  In all likelihood, they will not be asking for a program, a nursery upgrade, or a Shamisen in the praise band.  (A Shamisen is a three stringed instrument from Japan that looks vaguely like a banjo).  What you will likely hear is a heart cry wanting to make a difference on the issues of the heart.  It may be the conditions of the community, Black Lives Matter, a perceived Islamic invasion of the west, but it will be about issues that are going on in their world they are inheriting from us. Issues they want to see changed.

Second proposition: “Don’t ask them to be like you/us.”

One church leader came to me and asked, “Why can’t I get the young adults to attend …?”  They went on to describe the ‘program’ that they were running.  To be honest it sounded a lot like programs that my parents ran to attract young families when I was a kid.  In my dad’s ministry back in the 60’s and 70’s, he worked hard at reaching young couples and families, and had considerable success.  As I listened to the description of what was being done, I had a flash back to being a 10 year old attending an event that was part of my dad’s ministry.  This is not a call to a new kind of program.  It is a warning.  We must not expect Millennials to become like us.  I am afraid that in many cases we don’t want Millennials; we want Babyboomer 2.0

Third proposition: “Don’t ask if you don’t want to hear.”

 I have found Millennials, at least in person and individually, to be polite and pleasant.  In groups and online there seems to be a different dynamic at work.  But if you talk with Millennials about church, and they love you too much to protect you from the truth, you most likely will not like what they have to say.  If you don’t want to be offended, then don’t ask for their input.  As I listened to the Millennial talk, I realized that 6 years ago I would have been angry, dismissive, and defensive.  I would have argued that he was being disrespectful to the bride of Christ and should practice Christian submission.  But now I realize, it is only when a critique contains truth that we tend to get our feelings hurt.  Not every thing a millennial says is golden, like all of us, they, collectively and individually, have bonehead ideas.  But if you get close enough to have one tell you what they feel, don’t be hurt if they cut you to the quick as they tell you an ugly truth about your dead or dying church. 

This is not meant to be one more hand-wringing article about the demise of the church in America because Millennials are leaving.  The Church will be fine, and I expect that Millennials will return to the Lord in droves; it just will not be the church we are trying to preserve.