The Bad Gift Giver Hall of Fame

When they open the “Bad Gift Giver Hall of Fame” I will certainly be an early if not a founding inductee. I am not saying that every gift I give is a bad gift.  I have at times really thrilled those I love with my gifts.  It would be fair to say that I am near or just below average on the scale of gift giving I.Q.  What sets me apart in my poor performance is that when I make a bad choice it is monumentally bad.  Not just a little poor, but Mount Rushmore Bad, Great Pyramid of Giza, Czar Bomba kind of bad.  It is not that I am unperceptive; in fact, I am highly perceptive.  It is that perceptiveness combined with my great vice of practicality that adds up to really bad gift giving at times. 

I will here present three classic and monumental examples of my poor choices for gifts that will usher me into the Bad Gift Giver Hall of Fame. 

Case Study #1

Some years ago, as spring was beginning to hint at its arrival my dear, long suffering and kind wife was talking about a garden.  She talked about all the plants she wanted to see growing and the resultant fresh veggies.  I perceived her excitement and made a mental note.  That year when Valentine’s Day rolled around did my wife receive some dead cut flowers?  No!  How about a box of candies that would soon be eaten (mostly by kids) and then forgotten?  No!  She received a garden, well sort of a garden.  What she got was a wheel plow.  If you are not sure what that is look it up.  The large box wrapped in a sheet (I don’t do gift wrapping) was revealed with a flourish, but didn’t result in much excitement. 

Case Study #2

One of the constancies of my wife’s life is diet and cooking.  She is an excellent and conscientious cook balancing great taste with healthy content.  She can do more with less than anyone I have ever known.  Her grocery budget is typically half of what similar sized families spend, because she cooks mostly from scratch.  I love her cooking.  So, when we were at a store and she stopped to thumb through a book, a cookbook, I paid attention.  When she said, “I like that; it seems like an good idea,” I made a note.  When her birthday came around I bought for her a book on how to lose weight with this style of cooking.  Note to rookie husbands; buying your wife a diet book for her birthday is not a great plan.  You will get to return the book and then desperately try to figure out what to give your beloved.  Fortunately, I was able to find a car top carrier for her station wagon that was on the discount shelf having been recently returned.  Face it, I have a gift.

Case Study #3

Having botched the preceding Valentine’s Day gift with the aforementioned wheel plow I was determined to do better the next year.  One of the problems with the wheel plow was that while practical she pointed out that it would not be used very much.  I said to myself, “Take a note, gifts need to be the sort that are frequently used.”  I paid close attention over the next few weeks listening to a word of discontent from by wife, hoping to find that one thing that I could buy for her to make her life a little better.  I heard the comment, I saw the inadequacy, I developed a plan and seized the opportunity.  A couple of days before Valentines Day I casually suggested that my wife accompany me to a local hardware store. She had not an idea what was coming.  I was so pleased with my planned purchase and the clever way I could have her there for the big reveal of this gift that would certainly thrill her.  As we approached the counter I told her, in the hearing of the young lady at the cash register, “Happy Valentine’s Day, honey, I know you have been wanting this, I heard you complain about your old one.”  Picture me beaming at my long-suffering wife as the gal at the counter said, “You are giving your wife a bucket and mop for Valentine’s Day?  She ought to beat you with the mop handle.”  That comment and a quick look at my wife convinced me to cancel the purchase and begin formulating plan B.

Even more amazing than an obtuseness and dimwittedness is the faithful persistent love of my wife.  She has never been anything less than gracious, kind and loving in response to my inaptitude.   A lesser woman would have plowed a furrow in my back, made me eat the cookbook and, while I slept, impelled me on a sharpened mop handle.  But my wife has taken it all in stride and loved me, and laughed with (perhaps at) me all along. 

I think she is a lot like Jesus.  We offer Him the gifts of our lives, worship, love and service and in reality it is not much.  He could get better sermons from the mouth of an ass, greater affection from an ancient madam, and more fervent prayers from a mantis mantodea (look it up).  We are more inept than profound, more flighty than committed and more seeking our own than His Kingdom.  Nevertheless, He loves us and accepts our offerings and counts them as better than they are.  In this chaotic moment, we are running about helter-skelter trying to figure out what to do next and what would please our Lord.  All the while He loves us and accepts us with a lot patience and grace beyond measure.  There is a lot of uncertainty right now.  But of this we can be sure, Jesus loves us and has us securely in His hand.

By the way, my wife’s birthday is Wednesday. She is going to be so happy with Bacon and Sausage, the breeding pair of Potbelly Pigs I have for her.  Just last week she said, “I would love me some bacon and sausage.”

On a more serious note I wanted to report and ask for your continued help.  A few weeks back I told you about a project I am working with called “Preachers on Bikes”.  This is an effort to raise $10,000 to buy motorcycles for church planters in India.  The church planter effort continues even with the threat of Covid-19 and persecution.  I am also happy to report that many generous gifts have been given to purchase the motorcycles for these ministers.  To this point we have raised about $3500 toward the goal of $10,000.  I am asking you to help with that last $6,500 dollars.  For some of you a gift of $10 would be gloriously sacrificial for others a gift of $1000 would hardly be noticed.  I am not terribly concerned with individual gifts.  I only want to see these heroic church planters equipped. 

So please help us to get these preachers on bikes.  DO NOT send any money to me!  Send all funds directly to Mid-India.  For details on how to do so contact Kathy Sparks. Kathy@midindia.org.  If you have a bike you are not using and wish to give that bike to the mission for them to sell I will come and get it and ride it down to them.