Clergy Killers and the Preacher's Family

            A friend of mine who works at a Bible college told me PK’s are about 3 or 4 years ahead of their non-PK peers when it comes to ministry.  Most guys entering the ministry have a pretty steep learning curve about living in the ministry.  PK’s have lived it all their lives.  Another friend of mine, who was formerly a minister but left the ministry to be a councilor said, “Preacher’s kids are the first round draft picks for the church.  But when they see their dad being beaten up by churches, they decide they don’t want to go into the ministry.  When that happens, we not only lose future ministers, we lose the best future ministers.”

            As we look at the effect of clergy killers, the most painful aspect for me personally is the effect it has on the children and spouse of the minister.  I have to admit that I am tempted at this point to go into a very personal expose of what happened to my children at the hands of dysfunctional church people.  If I were to identify my single greatest failure over the last 30 years, it is that I did not protect my children adequately.  If I had it to do over, I would do a few things differently.  (We have four kids.  I will give four examples, but many more are available)

·      When my daughter complained that they didn’t do much Bible study I should have told the youth leader, “My child’s spiritual well being is too important for you to waste the opportunity!  The valuable time set aside for discipleship will not be spent on idiotic games and trivialities.  Your job is not to recover the awkward years of your teens and try to be cool.”

·      I would tell an individual, “My daughter doesn’t need to apologize to you.  You are in the wrong and that is all there is to it.”

·      I would tell the mother of a spoiled brat, “You son was misbehaving and my daughter, as a nursery volunteer, was keeping him from being a bully; she will not apologize to you or your son.”

·      I would tell another person, “You sent my eight year old son into a dangerous situation because you thought you could tell him what to do.  You, sir, are an idiot, and if you ever do something like that again I will have you arrested.”

In each case, for the sake of ‘peace’ in the congregation we opted to have our children be the bigger person and we gave way.  I was wrong and I regret it deeply.  I am very close to my children, but I know that my failure to protect my children from unhealthy people in our churches has negatively impacted their faith.

            If I have at this moment the privilege of addressing young ministers with young children, let me offer you some broken hearted advice.  Always choose the side of what is right.  If you kids are in the wrong, discipline them appropriately.  But if dysfunctional people are victimizing them even in the smallest way, defend them. You will be better off looking for a job because you were fired from a hellhole church than looking at regret years later.   And these four crazies didn’t get better because we capitulated. In fact, they got worse because of the capitulation.

            It is not just the PK’s that suffer.  The silent, suffering award may go to the pastor’s wife.  Being a PK, I saw early the presumptuousness with which congregations treat the minister’s wife.  I know of no other industry where it would be acceptable for an employer to, in the hiring process, inquire how the spouse can help the company.   The preacher’s wife is seen as a free employee, one that is often treated poorly.  My wife was “asked to serve” in the music department in one church I served. Her job was to select the music, play the piano and help with special music.  One Sunday she replaced the “Doxology” with “Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God Almighty”.  An elder’s meeting was called to discuss this breech of protocol, and my wife was informed, in no uncertain terms, that she was not to make changes to the worship service without the approval of the elders.  Being both humble and holy she said nothing and continued to serve.  In hindsight, I wish I had stood between my wife and those cowards in the elder’s office. 

            Many ministers serve the church like a workaholic in hopes of keeping the critics quiet, all the while neglecting his wife.  Many a minister’s wife feels that the church has become a mistress to her husband, who gets all his best.  The matter is complicated by her feelings that if she complains about the church’s demands she is rejecting God, and is some how unholy.

            A minister must not allow his employment with a church to wreck his marriage.   I recently read that 77% of pastors felt they did not have a good marriage and 38% of pastors said they were divorced or currently in a divorce process!  This is a complicated issue and one that will not be resolved in this essay.  But I would like to offer a suggestion that my wife and I use.  It has empowered my wife’s confidence and has taken the insecurity out of her relationship with the church.  My wife has my permission to turn in my resignation at anytime she wishes, for any reason she wishes.  I have told her, “If you see that this job is hurting us, hurting our family, our faith, or doing damage in anyway, you have my permission to turn in my resignation.  Please let me know you are doing this, but you have that right.”  Tell your board that you wife can end the job and it will have a profound effect on the way they treat her and your kids.  Trust you wife; she is most likely a great treasure.

            Finally, ministers suffer from the work of clergy killers.  In my last church, the stress was off the charts.  I went to my doctor with chest pains and found that my heart was in excellent condition; I was not in danger of a heart attack.  I was sort of disappointed.  I realized I had developed a ‘holy’ death wish.  I could never take my own life, but if I died of natural causes, I would be out of the misery at work and I could go to heaven.  (If you are feeling this way today, please call a qualified councilor TODAY or if need be call me, 352-548-4837)  At about this time my wife told me I was turning into a wraith.  She said, “You are like Frodo after he got stabbed on Weather Top; you are fading away.  I barely recognize you any more.”  With her support and help, I got out of a sick church.

            Many ministers know they need to get out, but are so deeply wounded that they can’t see a way.  A colleague of mine who works with wounded clergy related a story of the profound length a minister would go to in order to escape.    He related the case of a minister who was caught in sexual misconduct.  As they worked together to unpack what transpired the fallen minister finally said, “I couldn’t quit the ministry; I had to be thrown out.  I knew that if I (here he referred to his specific behavior), I would be fired and could never go back to any church, any where.”  One wonders how many of the 30% of pastors who said they had either been in an ongoing affair or a one-time sexual encounter with a parishioner were really about wanting a way out.  I am not condoning or making excuses for sinful behavior.  I am saying that a minister under attack by clergy killers is capable of some very dangerous and destructive behaviors.  I am also saying there are better options.

Next week, we will look at what might be done to curb the destructive power and attacks of clergy killers.