The Awkward Teenage Church

“If you are giving something great away for free and no body wants it, you are doing something wrong.”  Amanda Arrington founder Pets for Life

After the conviction of Michael Vick on dog fighting charges an Atlanta, animal, welfare organization wanted to engage urban pet owners to help prevent other cases of animal cruelty.  They were going to provide free veterinary services, pet foods, medication, collars, leashes, and other services to urban pet owners in a community fair context.  Despite their advertising, publicity, and a great need the total attendance at the “End Dog Fighting” fair was two.  They were giving away something really great, but nobody wanted it.  What went wrong?  The entire perception of what they were, who they were going to serve, and their agenda was askew.  An event to end dog fighting is not going to appeal to people that own dogs that are small, docile, very old, or very young.  It will not appeal to cat owners or dog owners who hate dog fighting or to dog fighting dog owners. 

A couple of years later a similar event with the same aim was held in Philadelphia.  This time it was marketed toward people who love their pets, any kind of pet, and who would be willing to accept free help in caring for their pet.   The offerings were essentially the same, but the communication was different.  When the volunteers arrived at the venue at 7:00 A.M. to set up for the 9:00 A.M. opening there was already a line forming.  Eventually, all the supplies were distributed and still people came.  Just under 1000 pet owners showed up and gave their names and contact information.  What made the difference?  It was not the content.  It was the presentation, the communication.   

We have the greatest gift/grace in the universe and it is free for all.  If people don’t want it, we are doing something wrong.

I recently had my heart broken.  I listened as a young lady told the story of her visiting a church.  She had grown up in church, her husband had not.  After months of talking about finding a church they finally took the plunge, found a church near their home and took the step of visiting.  They arrived early and the following was the description I heard from this young lady: (edited for brevity)

ü Parking was in the back, so we had to find our way to the sanctuary.

ü After we sat down someone told us the church had segregated seating (based on age and marital status) and we should move to a seat near him.

ü We were asked if we were married (twice).

ü We were asked when we were going to have children (three times).

[Editorial interjection: If I were a person who used profanity I would let loose here.  If this couple had recently miscarried or were infertile such a question, beyond simply being rude, would be devastatingly hurtful].

ü Before services began we were told to move again because the youth were out on a trip and everyone needed to sit in the center section of the church.

ü We were repeatedly asked, in detail, what we did for a living.  [He has a job that involves a security clearance and as such these questions demanded he give false information or breech his clearance].

ü We were asked to give our number so we could be contacted about joining a small group.

ü When we put nothing in the offering basket and handed it to the next lady on the pew, she glared daggers at me.

ü The church provided no hymnals and the words to the songs were not projected on to the screen.  The same was true for Bibles during the sermon.

The couple gave the church high marks for its teaching and for its attempts to be friendly.  But they commented that it was all terribly awkward.  I checked out the church’s website and everything looked great online.   This young couple is planning to visit another church next Sunday.  I understand that this is the impression of one couple and that they may not understand the congregation, but it was a rough start.  It is my prayer that they will find a church home before they give up the search in frustration. 

What happened?  I believe it was the same kind of thing that happens when an awkward young teen tries too hard to attract the attention of someone of the opposite sex.  They were so wanting to be liked, accepted, and approved of by their guests that they forgot about caring, genuinely caring, about the person.  In the church, we have placed so much emphasis on “attractional” ministry that we feel pressure every time a guest shows up.  We treat every service with a textbook approach of how to care for a guest.  But the information that we gained at a conference we attended or a book we read may not fit our ministry.  These conferences and books are great-they can teach us a lot of useful techniques.  But if we rely on techniques, we are like the young teenage girl trying to get attention by using too much make-up or the teenage boy drenched in cologne.  We will make an impression, but it may not be the one we want.

  What is the alternative?  Not to dishonor what we learned from conferences and books, but we must actually like people for who they are.  People cannot become projects, targets, or numbers.  We cannot offer a façade of caring that is designed to manipulate guests into being one of us.  There is only one moment and that is now, there is only one person and that is the individual.  Genuine love, care and friendliness is much more difficult than a textbook approach to guest services, but the only way to treat people.  The community that can communicate interest in the individual for who they are can avoid the awkward adolescences of ministry.